Square peg

Everyone has heard the description, "square peg in a round hole", meaning someone just doesn't quite fit in with the people around them. It's not a negative description, just a way of saying that someone is not like everyone else. Ultimately, I think we're all like this. We're never going to be JUST like the people around us. Everyone has idiosyncrasies that make them unique and yes, different.

For most of my life, this has been where I feel the most attacked in my spiritual life. I come from a whole family of square pegs, and I have been taught that it's okay to be different. However, Satan plays on my insecurity about being not as pretty, not as thin, not as talented, not as spiritual, not as funny, not as stylish, not as wealthy...and the end result is me feeling pretty bad about myself. I know the truth, and know what God says about me, and still I struggle with believing that I am a worthy child of God.

Or, sometimes it's not an insecurity issue...it's a mind issue. Satan knows that I overprocess everything. He can't read my mind (did you know that? Satan cannot read our minds!) but he can lead my thoughts by lying to me. Lies he tells me are along the lines of this, "you're different. and that's bad", or "you're a fake, and everyone knows it", or "how on earth do you think you contribute anything to the world you're in? you stay home all day! you're worthless". And I get these thought in my head, and forget to "take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5)" and then start overprocessing...remembering every conversation I've had recently and wondering how my worthlessness affects those that I have relationships with.

I want to be at a place where nothing bothers me. Where I don't get frustrated by a simple conversation. Where I can relax and be myself and not give a thought to others and what they are thinking (because, most likely, they're not thinking about me!). I want to not worry that I don't look like a proper mom who always has a beautiful home, good food to eat, clean, neat, well dressed children who go to the right schools and play with the right friends. I want to be able to throw a football or go fishing with my husband instead of sitting and talking about "women stuff". Again...it's that square peg thing. I think God made me and everybody in the world special and unique. I think we each have so much to offer. Some are leaders, some are really good at following. Some are hostesses, some are cooks. Some are friendly, some are shy, but good listeners. And all of these are wonderful, when used to glorify God. I want to be at a place where I value every person for who God made them to be...and more importantly, see myself as God sees me and not think about how I appear to others.

I've had to take several breaks while writing this, so it may be bumpy and disjointed...but I hope I got the point across. To quote Bob the Tomato, "God made you special, and He loves you very much!"

and one more thing...

this morning, the choir sang a really joyful, upbeat song, Shout for Joy to the Lord. after church, i was goodnaturedly teased by a few people about looking like i was about to start dancing in the choir loft. i took no offense whatsoever and laughed about it...but i have to say this: even though i am overwhelmed with my life right now, as i just posted about, God is so great, and so big, and so powerful and loving and wonderful...i will worship him regardless of my circumstances. i can't sing "shout for joy" and not want to shout! i really don't care where i'm in church...fbc, pinelake, alta woods, wherever! so if i start dancing in the choir loft...and you don't have a problem with it...dance with me!

i worried for about a day or so whether being in a more traditional worship setting would bother me, since i tend to be expressive when i'm talking about or singing about Jesus. but God has really given me a peace that church is church. it's a body of believers coming together to worship him. so i'm going to do it my way. it's fine if it's not your way. i can worship standing still too...but this morning, i just couldn't. i also worried for another day or so about whether people would be offended if i raised my hands. or if they'd say something to my parents (and if they do...the problem is not with me!) but again, God has really given me a peace about being myself. now, if i'm a distraction, that's another story. i would never want to hinder anyone else's worship. but if i'm doing my thing, and you're doing your thing...and they aren't the same...that should be okay, right? i think so.

i'd better get some more video or pics of my kids...articulating my thoughts wears me out! or maybe it's all the dancing...

Too much time, too little to do....wait, scratch that, reverse it.

i published my title, with no post to go with it. sometimes i amaze myself at how stupid i can be.

we just finished an "Albritton calendar meeting". ugh. all those do is remind me that we're overbooked and i'll be really tired and irritable by the end of each week this month. i have no pampered chef parties scheduled, and i really need to get a couple on the calendar, so please schedule one!! i have to find a couple of camps for the kids this summer, plus sign them up for swimming lessons. i also need to preregister them for school next year, but i really don't want to. i want to move and send Aidan to school for free...but unless someone pulls up in my driveway and offers to pay a really great price for this little house, that's not happening. And there are so many things we need to do to get ready to move, and we're not home enough to do them! plus, we're in dire need of a few pieces of furniture...but that's just not in the budget right now.

do you guys (whoever reads this) do this? start thinking about all the things you want to fix, change, make better...and it snowballs and really stresses you out? it's awful. so frustrating.

i am trying to accept the fact that i have 3 small children who, although we're trying to teach them, are not mature enough to really do chores yet. so it falls on me, and i am not superwoman (surprise, surprise!) now that paiz is starting to walk, i have to be with her all the time and supervise. so nothing gets done. it's a truly vicious cycle. i know, i know, i know that i have so much to be thankful for, and i have a wonderful life...but i feel like it's getting out of hand and i don't have the manpower to deal with it. michael's job is so demanding, and he's going out of town more. he usually doesn't get home until after 5:30 at night...which gives us no time to do any projects, if we want to eat and get kids in the bed. i work really hard in the morning when Paiz takes her nap...but that's only 2 hours, which means i get clothes and dishes washed. that's it. i've been told to just focus on my kids and deal with the house when i can...but that's just it. i can't! there is no time. during the day, that is. late at night, i could work...and probably should be doing dishes right now...

tomorrow, aidan has a doctor visit. his 5 year old checkup. he'll get shots. he HATES shots and is quite violent about it. i'm not excited.

on a happy, happy, happy note...the search committe announced that Ronnie is coming next Sunday in view of a call. i wish i could explain how this makes me feel. he is like a member of our family. there are not many people in the world that i love as much as him and martha. he is a wonderful, godly, smart man who is so perfect for the job. i can't wait.

off to the kitchen i go...then folding clothes...then adjusting paiz's carseat (she's growing so fast!)...then maybe i'll get to sleep.

Molly and Maggie, scrutinizing their eggs.

The kids on the lawn at mom and dad's house. And it looks like Molly is headed for the fountain.

They had such fun. Victor was there, and my grandparents. I hope we do this every year until they're insulted for having to hunt eggs. We laughed a lot today, and enjoyed each other. I'm so thankful that I come from a family who cherishes each other. I'm also thankful that when I say, "He is RISEN!" my family says, "He is Risen, Indeed!!!" To come from people who believe that and who have passed that on to us by words AND actions is a gift that could only come from God. I've been amazed all my life at the fact that God put me with these people when He made me. My parents are non-judgmental, welcoming, warm, kind, funny, self-assured, wonderful people who love the Lord with all their hearts. I can tell through everything they do that Jesus lives in them. I pray that one day my kids will say that about me.

I loved this dress...and she was my only kid to stay clean.

Molly was so clean and shiny before church...and the purple marker. Hope it comes out!

Dyeing eggs with Nonna. This is becoming a tradition!

Max and G are having a conversation. And my brother dressed up for the occasion.

Easter, baby showers, spring is here!

one day some stinky boy will love these eyes...but he'll have to wait till she's 25!

Paiz wanted Emma Katherine's bow. She's not quite tall enough!

My girls from MC. Minus a couple that were missed. In order this is Me, Angie, Allison (not MC, but high school), Alicia, Amanda (the soon to be mommy!), Amy and Hannah. We had a great day. We had a great time together in college. It's weird how we've all grown up. We may not get together like this again for a long time. Special day.

This was at church today. Horrid picture of all of us except Paisley. But this was the best of the bunch (which is SO sad!)

Easter Egg pics to come!

Things I think about

When I'm not on the phone while driving...I think. The kids are strapped in, nobody can touch me, it's a good environment for pondering. So I pondered on the way to Clinton today, and when my thoughts got to be too much for me, I called my friend Jennifer and gabbed.

My first thought: if I received news that I had a terminal illness...and it was getting close to the end of my life, I think I would like an "early" funeral. I want to be there. We'd have great music, an awesome worship time, good food afterwards, and I'd get to say "see ya, I'm going to heaven!" I know this will not happen, and it's probably a dumb idea...but in theory, it makes a little sense!

Second thought: Elliot Spitzer's scandal. The gov. of NY. This whole thing has made me mad. I mean, what he did was wrong, and he made a very, very, very bad choice. But the girl, the prostitute he was with, is now being handed book deals, her songs are being played on the radio! No condemnation, just fame and fortune. I know it's not up to us to condemn anyway, and that's not what I'm getting at. I just think it's so sad that his family is having to suffer while she gets rich. He made a wrong choice, but she's in an immoral profession, and nobody seems to mind about that. She also made a Girls Gone Wild video, and will probably make loads of money from that too.

And while I'm soapboxing...can I just vent a bit of frustration about the presidential candidates? I mean, I don't like either democrat, and John McCain was my LEAST favorite of the republicans. And I've never cared before...but the older I get, and as my kids grow, it matters to me. And I'm really sad at having no good choices. (By the way, you don't have to agree with me. I can be friends with a democrat or a McCain supporter...maybe.)

Michael got us all up this morning at 4. There was a "rotating cell with serious tornado potential" in Canton, so he put the kids on the floor in the hall. They never woke up. He got me up to hold Paiz, who wiggled relentlessly. We sat on the floor for 30 minutes, then back to bed. Paiz kicked me, pulled my hair, and poked me in the face. It was most uncomfortable. I told him next time, save the kids, and take a chance with me.

My 3rd Pampered Chef party is tomorrow night. I have a new recipe. Should be fun, this is all the praise team girls I sang with from Pinelake. I haven't seen them in 6 months or more. They were my church family for a year or more, so I'm excited. I can't wait to hug them all.

I'm going to actually read more than one page in my book then fall asleep. 4:00 a.m. was a LONG time ago!